i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
