After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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