Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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