Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
