There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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