He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
