i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
