You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
we should paint friendship bongs
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
