I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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