Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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