You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
