don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
