Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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