Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
