there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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