I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
