you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
