You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
