Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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