I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
