yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
