I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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