She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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