im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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