a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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