the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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