Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
