I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
