This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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