I hope mine doesn't look like that
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
