wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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