Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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