So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
