Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
