i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
