Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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