So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dick very happy bro
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
