4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
