I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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