Dual....:-)
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
