Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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