guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
