i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
