I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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