Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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