is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
