He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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