it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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