I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
