I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So squirting runs in the family.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
