Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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