go do what you do best...puke behind churches
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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