I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
