oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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