I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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