suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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