I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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