I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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