I look better un-naked...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the day after is always just damage control
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
