my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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