The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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