the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize