why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
