I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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