you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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