On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize