so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize