he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
