life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dicks are not precious.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
