Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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