Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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