she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
