apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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