why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
